


Found Wanting (Wynonna Earp 4x03)

by Zofiecfield



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: F/F, Feelings, Gen, One Shot, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:08:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25833289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zofiecfield/pseuds/Zofiecfield
Summary: She has disappointed them.  She has been found wanting.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 26





	Found Wanting (Wynonna Earp 4x03)

She hoped desperately for their return.Craved, longed, grieved, bargains made with gods she doesn’t believe in. 

But also, laced along amidst the hope, first quietly, then all the more present, then overwhelming, dread. 

And now here they are, returned to her.Spikes of joy, yes, but the comfort of their presence is fleeting, chased away over and over.Heart stuttering, gut tight, limbs heavy, vision unsteady, overheating but never truly warmed.Panic rising. 

She had a world to carry.Expectations, duties to uphold, debts to repay, promises to keep.Promises made in a different time, promises made with the unspoken agreement that she wouldn’t be alone in their fulfillment. 

So full were her arms, so tired was her body.Some she had to lay down, to continue to carry the few she could not bear to surrender.Others were torn ruthlessly from her arms and discarded, as she, hands already straining to maintain a grasp, was helpless to prevent their loss.White knuckled and still found wanting.

Burden isn’t the weight of the responsibilities, but its absence when they have been cleaved from you.Burden is the wound left over.

Hard to let go of things now, hard to accept a hand.The loss of each duty is a bitter reminder.She needed them to come rescue her.Earned their trust and confidence, lost it all in an ugly fall. 

So heavy now, she can barely breathe, barely manage to expand her chest against the crush of all her failure.

Here they are, as witness to her failings, to see her insufficiency laid bare.

She finds herself split, layers upon layers of fractured woman.Jaggedly sectioned.

Here with them, loving them and soothed in their presence.

Here with them, silently replaying the conversations of disappointment that haven’t yet happened.

Here with them, mind racing through checklists, hunting for balls dropped, embarrassments to be realized.

Here with them, wishing, though she would never let the thought to the surface, sickening as it is.Wishing they had never come back to see this.

She had been the rock, the protector.Steady at the helm, head clear, heart even.How far she’s fallen.How disappointed they must be.Perhaps they are angry.Perhaps, out of pity, they exchange knowing looks behind her.Shake their heads and look elsewhere, trust in someone else.

They tell her they love her, they thank her, they reach out again and again.Pats on the head.Small kindnesses to protect her from the shame.

She loves them each, with every fiber left of her, with every fiber worn through and hurriedly patched.But, having failed them deeply, she can’t bare to utter the words. _I love you too_ feels like another promise made and poorly kept.

_Dear reader_ , there is no easy ending to this story.The road out, the road up, the road home is long and weary.She’ll falter and slide.She’ll find herself more bruised then than she is now.She’ll step outside herself enough to watch in horror and sorrow as time, once again, passes her by.Trapped in a cage of her own making.

But someday, not so far from now, though it will feel to her like ages, she will find herself on solid ground.And surely her heart will still sputter sometimes, and her vision will go dark for a moment.But she’ll take a breath and squeeze an offered hand.She’ll continue forward.(In truth, reader, even as we see her now, she continues forward, even as her feet tell her they can find no purchase and her fingers slip from crumbling handholds.But someday, she will move forward and see progress for what it is, head high, heart full and feet grounded and grateful.)She will live in love and warmth, forever changed but once again home, once again herself.

Take heart, dear reader.She is not alone, despite her loneliness.They see her as we do.Watch her now, along side them, arms open, waiting.


End file.
